1. What was the loss?

On July 13, 2021, my family suffered the loss of a daughter, sister, mother, aunt, cousin, and grandmother ‘Nana’. She was diagnosed with Cholangiocarcinoma, a cancer in the slender tubes that carry the digestive fluid bile through the liver. Her mutation of this disease was unfortunately inoperable.

2. How did it affect you?

It was one of the lowest, saddest moments in my life. Losing here was the first major loss I had ever experienced. You don’t recognize the pain, damage, and traumas losing someone brings until you personally experience it. Knowing I would never be able to speak to her or see her again was very difficult for all of us to handle. I was at work when my mother called me to tell me her sister had passed away. I felt a lot of things in that moment. Immense pain, anger, confusion, and almost a sense of disillusion. That her loss just couldn’t be true. I believe what also made her loss even more difficult was not having the ability to frequently see her throughout her fight due to covid. When someone has been diagnosed with cancer or any type of auto immune disorders it is vital to keep any type of germs away from them, so our ability to see her was very limited, and something we were only able to experience toward the end of her life. After her passing, I recall asking God, “why”. Why her? Why someone so selfless, so caring, so pure of heart? Why did she have to suffer, why did we have to lose her?

3. What helped you get through?

In terms of handling her diagnosis - Faith kept me sane. I was raised Catholic and still believe in the powers of prayer and the Lord’s guidance. I would recite specific prayers each day for her as well as our family and friends came together in prayer for her as well.

In terms of her loss – The pain never fully goes away, you simply learn to live with it. Once I felt more emotionally grounded, I really focused on telling myself that she was in a better place. She was somewhere beautiful and safe. She was no longer suffering.

4. How did you find comfort?

In terms of her loss - Family. Being around family was one of the major things that helped me handle her loss. I am also fortunate that I have a very supportive and loving group of friends who were there for me as much as they could be throughout everything. After her loss, until the summer ended, every day I saw a monarch butterfly. I consider myself a spiritual person and had read the meaning behind a visiting monarch butterfly after recently suffering the loss of a loved one. “They’re symbols of life after life and of new beginnings. Signs from the loved ones we’ve lost, letting us know they’re okay.” I remember finding comfort in seeing one and looked forward and hoped for a daily visit from her. Today I wear a butterfly bracelet that was gifted to me from a friend I had shared my butterfly visits with. This bracelet reminds me of her each and every day and is my constant butterfly visit with her.

5. How do you hold onto sustained healing?

Losing her changed my outlook on a lot of things. You realize how precious and short life is, and how important it is to keep those close to you who bring positivity to your life. I believe the biggest help for me in my journey of healing is reflecting on all the good memories our family has with her. Speaking to her through prayer was very helpful in the initial grieving and healing processes. You learn to incorporate their memory and spirit into your life.